It’s been at least 11 years since I’ve connected with you. A big part of me loved being hidden away after the attention of the magazine. I had an inmate write me from jail, strangers I never met asking me for money and people up to no good entering my life under false pretenses. What I would’ve wanted to be a joyous time became one of the most sorrow filled moments of my life.

On the other hand, I wanted you all to see me thrive. I wanted to act as if nothing was bothering me. In truth I was just dealing with a unsurmountable amount of trauma that I pushed past. Then came the biggest shift of them all. The realization that I was living a lie, and not holding true to whom I choose to love. On one of the biggest platforms in the world I was morning the loss of a husband. Let me be clear. Qwan Sr. was, and will always be an incredible friend that I will always miss, but even he knew my true self before going down the path of matrimony. While dating Qwan Sr he had a heart to heart talk with me expressing that he knew I was a lesbian. He wondered why I persisted in the relationship and made me promise never to embarrass him by leaving him for a woman. In that moment I simply wasn’t ready to face the reality of what I was feeling versus what was expected of me as a social norm.

Fast-forward years after Qwan Sr’s passing, I relocate states, and I was no longer around the religious community I was raised in or others in my life, with said hetero normative expectations. I began dating women, and then I began telling my friends and family. To my surprise, most of my friends reaction was “about time”! Now spill the tea, how is your new girlfriend etc. An uncle from one side of my family and an aunt from another side showed me the love and acceptance I needed. But the biggest cheerleader of all was actually Qwan’s, family. We nearly planned a vacation with the girlfriend I had at that time of awaking. In the end there was no vacation but that worked out for the best (I am single now). Though as far as Qwan’s family are concerned, if I do meet someone, she will always be welcome.

The last part of my fear in the years that have passed were you, the person reading my words today. You probably landed here because you have followed Brown Media Mama and are open to see what’s new. My announcement may have caught you by surprised. Or perhaps you’ve landed here to fuel your own courage. Irregardless. I’m pleased to meet you as we get reacquainted.

The new me has her own spiritual practice; spells, herbs, and some things I will keep private. I love women and I’m gonna talk about that too. But the core of who I am hasn’t changed being incredibly black and proud. Hence the name Brown Media Mama. I feel like there are so many parts of me that you never saw last time around. This time I hope you still enjoy the ride. - Shaniqua